Give Me Turbulence, Just Not That Guy

We’ve all had our encounters with that guy. Far too into himself. Total womanizer. Thinks he’s king of the world.

And I saw him coming from a mile away.

I was on a plane from Dayton, Ohio to Denver, Colorado. I was so excited to have a window seat, with the aisle seat next to me completely unoccupied. I waited as passengers filed on, silently hoping the seat would stay empty.

It did.

Relieved, I went through my pre-flight rituals. Gum- check. Earphones at the ready- check. This was going to be a great flight.

I quietly observed the people around me. I was sat about two rows behind the emergency exit row. I watched as the stewardess recited her spiel about willingness to assist. That guy gave his verbal “yes” and asked for a vodka soda.

With a smile she disappeared and returned. With the bottles still in hand, she said “Sir, if you are going to be drinking, we cannot have you sitting in this row. If you are going to drink you are going to need to change seats.”

That’s when I saw it coming. In retrospect I should have shot up from my seat and volunteered to take his place. But I didn’t.

The stewardess gave that guy a choice between the empty seat next to a sleeping old man, or the empty seat next to the pretty young girl.

….Guess which one he picked.

I spent the next 3 hours listening to this guy go on and on about everything you shouldn’t discuss with people you meet on airplanes. He talked about how he didn’t need college and was working for a cable company in Florida. He told me I was wasting my time in college. He told me how much he makes and how much he had in savings at that very moment. He told me about his stint in jail for theft. He told me about coming home from jail to find his babymama girlfriend cheating. He showed me a picture on his phone of a girl’s butt and asked if she was fat. He didn’t know whether or not he was supposed to be “into dat ass”. He told me he was going to take me on an African Safari and “you never know what might happen out there. You’re a woman, I’m a man, we both have needs”.

Just a whole lot of mindless, chauvinistic garbage.

To end the flight he asked me candidly, “Would you date me? I mean I’m not asking you, but just if you would want to” to which I mercilessly replied “no“. He looked shocked and asked me why. Asked me to be honest.

“Well because you seem like a compete tool” I replied.

Then I had to explain to him what a tool was.

With utter disbelief, he thanked me and asked how long my layover was. Maybe we could get a drink. Yeh-no.

Upon leaving the flight, (of course that guy stands up and hustles to the front of the plane as soon as the wheels touch pavement) the gentleman behind me complimented me on my patience and told me the tool conversation was probably the most entertaining part of the flight.

I rolled my eyes and gave a smirk.

And that’s as close as I’ve been to wanting to jump off a plane.

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Now its your turn. Tell me your airplane passenger horror stories!